City Council Approves Pilot Program Allowing Commuters to Order Coffee and Quad City-Style Pizza During the 80-Second Incline.
DUBUQUE, IA – In a move that has residents buzzing more than a swarm of Iowa mayflies, the City of Dubuque announced this morning that the iconic Fenelon Place Elevator—the world’s shortest, steepest scenic railway—will undergo a $3.2 million renovation to become the nation’s first “Vertical Drive-Thru.”
Citing “insatiable demand for convenience” and a desire to compete with fast-food lane times, the newly dubbed “Fenelon Fuel-Up” will allow motorists to drive their vehicles directly onto the cable car platform. During the 80-second, 189-foot ascent, drivers will be able to pick up pre-ordered coffee from a local shop and grab a slice of Quad City-style pizza through a specially designed pneumatic tube system installed along the tracks.
“Why should you have to choose between a breathtaking view of three states and a hot breakfast sandwich?” said Mayor Brad Cavanagh in a press conference held at the elevator’s base. “We’re solving the First-World problems of Dubuque residents one steep incline at a time.”
City engineers admit there are a few “minor logistical hurdles” to overcome, primarily regarding how to keep pepperoni from sliding off pizzas during the 41-degree grade. A test run involving a Ford F-150, three dozen sausage patties, and a mop bucket reportedly went “better than expected.”
The pilot program is set to launch on April 1st and will run for exactly 24 hours—or until the first tourist tries to order a dozen scrambled eggs through the tube.
April’s Fools April Fool’s
You must be logged in to post a comment.